Born in 0 A.Himself. to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") was born in a barn after the hotel his mom and step-dad, Joseph, were trying to stay at was full. Three guys with incense, gold and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem, where Jesus was located, because they thought he was king of all Gay French Jews.
Little is known of Jesus's childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. It is known that the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a running race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognising his divinity. Thank you, Infancy Gospel of St Thomas.
As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age hippie guru. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby becoming the first raver. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool. One of the more incisive analyses of their contribution to religion and world history was made by Beatle Paul 'wish-i-was-John' McCartney, who observed that "Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."
In 33 AD Jesus pissed the Romans off and was nailed to a piece of wood, where he died. Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they do not want to receive violently up the rectum.
Three days later he became a zombie with the help of Sting from the Police, who was god of the English at the time, and said he'd be back shortly with his Dad to beat up all those guys who made fun of him in high school. Two thousand years later, and no one's heard back from him, although his fans still wait patiently.
Jesus was given a small memorial in Golgotha, which read:
- "He was such an hero, to take it all away. We miss him so, That you should know, And we honor him this day. He was an hero, to take that cross, to leave us all behind. God do we wish we could take it back, And now he's on our minds. Jesus was an hero, to leave us feeling like this, Our minds are rubber, our joints don't work, Our tears fall into abyss. He was an hero, to take that cross, In life it wasn't his task, He shouldn't have had to go that way, before four decades past. Now he sits there in my heart, this hero of mine, Always there to make me smile, Make me feel just fine. He had courage,that nigra did, courage in his heart. To take that cross, To end his pain, To tear us all apart. But in the end, he died in courage. Lacking, nevermore, He died a hero, Jesus did, And we'll love him forevermore. We love you like a brother. We miss you so much. We will always love you, kid. Rest In Peace JC. ~Mary"
It's not commonly known, but the niggers were behind the death of jesus.
It is well known that Jesus has a challenge rating of 453746, the highest recorded in Greyhawk. (Note: The author of this paragraph was immediately raped by a fucking PACK OF GORILLAS oh fucking CHRIST! upon exiting the internet cafe where he typed it. - The guy that was waiting to use the computer.)
The life and times of Jesus were recorded in fanfic form by his four biggest fanboys — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — shortly after his death. Later, their works were compiled by a basement-dweller nerd named Peter into the "New Testament." Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to "Jesus: The Reckoning." Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher — Catholic Church, Inc. — into global prominence.
Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, "The Reckoning" is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament." This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores are stopped carrying it.
Things Not To Do Around Jesus
How to Pluralize
Incorrect: 'Jesii' ("Hey, Ma! I went to the church and got me a whole lotta them Jesii.")
Muhammed: The Muslim Jesus, sometimes spelled Mohammed, other times Chief of the Camel-fuckers, Muhammed is the Jesus of the Muslims. He's a dirty sandnigger pedophile that got raped by pigs. There are many who claim that he was responsible for the 9/11WTC horror, but that was actually somebody else. See also Allah.
Buddha: The AZN Jesus. Couldn't decide whether to be pro-ana or a Fatty. He gave up everything, but couldn't give up doublefisting twinkies. Was into ZERG rushes as a child, but later renouced them along with work and material possessions in a transparent attempt to hide his laziness. As with all other azns, he was really into manga and hello kitty. Due to lucretive religious marketing deals, every azn is required to cover all free surfaces in their home with buddha figurines and incense burners. Buddha drives a 2003 Scion Van with a 2.5 foot spoiler, AZN PRIDE written on the back in kanji, and a FREE TIBET bumper sticker.
RaptorJesus: Raptor Jesus is the Jesus of Raep, Dinosaurs, and Dinosaur Rape. Not to be confused with a Furry, RaptorJesus is actually a raptor and he will bite your fucking head off. RaptorJesus went extinct for your sins, and is available as a 7" action figure in the GI Joe range, with real retractable evisceration talons!
Enemies of Jesus
Jesus' enemies consisted of the people who almost pwnt as much as he did, or essentially the faggots of the world.
- Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
32 AD: Jesus preaching his message of love
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Jesus celebrating Halloween
Cut your hair and get a job, you hippy!
Jesus teaching a boy to be a man,by sucking his holy cock.
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This what those dumb niggers like to believe,and what fucktarted crackers hope isn't true.
Most experts agree Jesus was neither white, nor black. He was middle eastern. Here is what he looked like..
Jesus Christ and a Friend
Jesus macking on the ladies.
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Jesus was drowned in piss for our sins.
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Jesus loves babies. A lot.
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Christians should look closer at pictures of Jesus. Here, he lets kids touch his cock.
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Even Jesus needs to put food on the table.
He was a self-hating Jew
Jesus was down with the kids, see pedophile.
Jesus at his day job
Gallery of Jesus with Guns
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